| the blog of human failure
Now here’s a story that includes everything we love at the Blog of Human Failure: A man hires a maid off of the internet to clean his house while his wife is on vacation. Nothing too strange about that. The fun is of course is that she’s a maid who is specially trained in the profession of house cleaning while nude. The reason this is a news story at all is that the man took his eye of the maid while she went in to clean the bedroom and when his wife got home a few days later she noticed $40,000 worth of her jewelry was missing.
You have to remember that this woman stole $40,000 of jewelry completely naked. If you don’t have a picture in your head of a naked woman confidently walking out the front door of a house with a long string of pearls dragging from her nether-regions onto the floor behind her like so much toilet paper stuck to her shoe, then you probably aren’t me.
The great lesson to be learned from all of this is that if you’re going to hire nude workers, do like I do and only hire nude outside workers. You get all of the benefit and distraction of staring at naked people with none of the security risk that comes with having unknown people in your house while you’re aroused. Although come to think of it, I have noticed that my azalea bushes are missing and that there’s a familiarly sweet odor coming out of Felipe. Plus he’s been complaining of stomach pains. Plus I’ve been seeing a lot of blood on my BBQ deck. I thought someone shot a deer. Oh Felipe.
Just last Thursday a man called the police in Washington State reporting that he himself was drunk driving. The 911 operator got his location and then told him to pull over to the side of the road and wait to sober up before he continued to drive. The man pulled over and being the backstabbers that they are, the 911 operator informed the police of the man’s situation and they went to arrest him where he was, pulled over to the side of the road like he was told to.
Shouldn’t there be some things in life that if you admit to doing them before you’re caught you should be able to get off of the hook for? Remember when you’d play capture the flag in elementary school? There was that tree that served as your “base” or “safe zone” and if you were touching that tree it didn’t matter if you got tagged, you didn’t have to go to “jail” on the opponent’s side of the field. That’s what admitting to certain wrongdoings before you’re caught should be like.
There would of course have to be a statute of limitations that would give the other side a certain amount of time to hunt for you, but if they couldn’t catch you in that amount of time you couldn’t receive any punishment. In fact, you should even be able to gloat in their face because you won the game fair and square.
“Honey, I need to tell you that I cheated on you. Too bad for you it was exactly two months ago this day. In your face sucker; you still have to love me.”
“Boss, I want to let you know that I stole the copy machine from the Pittsburg office. Too bad for you it was last week. Whether you like it or not you still have to employ me. Also I had sex with your wife.”
And so on.
Now those are fictional but really only because of their timelines. If you cheated on your wife 50 years ago, and then tell her, shouldn’t you be excused? Well, maybe not excused, but at least pardoned? After all it was so long ago. If you’ve been employed with a company for 35 years and now you’re the president, but when they originally hired you to be the mail room boy you lied about what college you went to, shouldn’t you be excused if you come forward? It reflects so little on your current position.
In New Orleans I remember the statute of limitations was 10 years for traffic tickets. If they didn’t catch you in that long then you could go right up to a cop and throw your traffic ticket in his face and do a little merry jig. I suggest going to New Orleans and trying this: it’s most fun if you’re drunk. But what about a thing that you can admit to almost as you’re doing it and still get away with it because you admitted it before they caught you doing it? Is it borrowing a pen? Is it borrowing a car? What’s the biggest thing you can get away with without getting in trouble just because you admit to doing it before you get caught?
What’s the biggest thing you’ve gotten away with personally?
Hello to everyone for possibly the first time. We have just been linked from the main page so this might be the first Blog of Human Failure post that anybody actually reads. As long as I’m speaking directly to you I’d like to get my salutations out of the way. Welcome and welcome again to EmptyBeanie.com, an internet experience that exceeds all challengers in providing you with a breathtaking Web 2.0 experience. “What is Web 2.0,” you ask? Why don’t we type Web 2.0 into Wikipedia and find out! Hmm, noted person from the Wikipedia article I just read, Dario de Judicibus, suggests this definition: “Web 2.0 is a knowledge-oriented environment where human interactions generate content that is published, managed and used through network applications in a service-oriented architecture.” Well, you’d have to be a moron to not understand what that means so I think we’re all comfortable moving on.
Like our friend Dario says, Empty Beanie is here to create a knowledge-oriented environment. Take this for example: Recently a man in Kokomo, Indiana, while attempting to rob a convenience store, accidentally and without being provoked, shot himself in the genitals. Local responding officer Lt. Don Whitehead reported that when he got to the scene, “The dreamy look in his eye gave me a tropical contact high.” Now name another environment that would orient you with that knowledge. Whatever you’re naming right now is a lie and you know it. And even if what you say is true, and another site does have that information posted, well I can guarantee you that their architecture isn’t service oriented. Their architecture is probably oriented by their astrological sign or maybe sexually-oriented or located in the Orient which might not be a term anymore. What I’m trying to impress upon you is that I.M. Pei and Frank Lloyd Wright really busted their mittens making our architecture service-oriented as well as ergonomic, which is why your chair feels so comfortable while you read this.
Have we discussed our network applications that help human interactions generate content? We have a board where you can post humorous videos and stories that you find on the internet, whether they be from newspapers, blogs, or just a funny paragraph on a website. Then, in order to provide maximum human interaction, we dug up the decomposed body of Thomas Paine and shoved his skull and brain into a network application in order to assure the purest form of democracy available on the internet today. Web 1.0 assumes that you’re a humorless nitwit and if they could they would take your computer away from you and give it to General Cornwallis so he could play Warcraft on it with King George III. Empty Beanie, on the other hand, lets human interactions generate content. I can’t stress enough how rare human interactions are. Take this story for instance, ripped from the headlines here at Empty Beanie: “A Tennessee man confessed to using his computer to counterfeit $100 bills to pay strippers at a club in Nashville, it was reported Sunday.” This is a beautiful story, where we can presume that some good old fashion “human interaction” allowed a room full of Tennessee strippers to help a lonely man “generate content.” The least I can do is promise that if you hang around Empty Beanie long enough, the same will happen to you.
Have fun. We can’t wait to publish, manage and use you.
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