| the blog of human failure
Bon jour one last time from Paris my friends. I’ve got 13 minutes and this ridiculous metal keyboard again. Plus this terminal keeps lagging while the clock ticks. Light the fire; we’re going to burn it down.
Funny Things About Madrid:
1) I’ve found it. The last country. You can still smoke indoors in Spain. It’s the final frontier. Smoke’m while you got’em Spain. If they can get Paris, they can get you.
2) With every beer you order, and I’m talking about a Mahou here, you get a free tapa. Chorizo, potato salad, pistachios, fresh made potato chips, anchovies, quiche, friend potato chunks. You advance a level with every beer you order, and if they have to repeat themselves before you run out of money, then you win.
3) It’s hard to get drunk enough to fall asleep in a room with 14 other people in it and no air conditioning when the bar tender keeps feeding you potato salad.
4) No one is in a hurry to take your money. It always feels like you are bothering someone to pay for something. I guess they figure you have nowhere to go. And in fairness they are right.
5) In Madrid, napkins have the texture of credit card receipts.
6) There is a restaurant by my hostel named Museo de Jamon. My Spanish is rusty I admit, but I think that translates to Ham Museum. And it’s a chain. A chain of Ham Museums. I think that gives you an idea of the kind of city we’re dealing with here.
7) If that doesn’t totally get you there, I went to a bar and behind the counter there was a sweating pig’s leg in a wooden vice-clamp so tapas could be sawed right off of it. Oh, and on the way there I passed protesters in front of a McDonald’s complaining about their treatment of animals. Seriously.
8 ) Last food thing: creamed salami sandwiches, creamed ham sandwiches, creamed anchovy and cheese sandwiches. Like salami put in a blender with heavy cream and put on white bread. Very tasty. Seriously.
9) At 6 AM on a Friday, what sounded like hundreds of drunken Spaniards stood under my window banging on garbage cans for 40 minutes, slurring an espanyol only version of “We Will Rock You.” I love that song!
10) There are lots of deformed beggars in Madrid, and also you’re not supposed to drink the tap water. I’m always suspicious of the correlation.
11) Hey El Grecco. It’s Jesus; we get it. Next topic please. That goes double for you Velazquez.
12) The pedestrian traffic lights beep at you like smoke detectors.
13) And we have a winner. .80 Euro for a Coca-Cola light at a Madrid bodega. At .73 Euros to the dollar, that’s just about Manhattan prices. My new home away from home.
I’ll be back in the USA tomorrow. We’ll make a new plan for going forward together from here after that.
Buenes Noches de Madrid. I´m back to pay internet but I´ve got 24 minutes left on this Euro and no one over my shoulder so we can certainly take our time if we want to. But I´m going to type at my normal comforable pace regardless. Let´s get crackin´.
Funny Things About Barcelona:
1) I´m not talking about mullets here. You´re looking at a guy from the front and he looks perfectly normal. Maybe he has a neatly trimmed goatie, a short hair cut with tight sideburns and then he turns around and -Bam- rat tail! Six inches, eight inches. What a thrill. Twelve inches.
2) Yes, he has a nose ring, she has a nose ring. Whatever, I´m over it.
3) In Figueres, a town outside of Barcelona, there is a 15 meter long metal statue of a heroin spoon created by Salvador Dali. It´s just sitting there on the street. In fairness my Spanish isn´t great, so it could be a heroine´s spoon, but what are the odds?
4) San Miguel is a tasty beer and that´s that.
5) Well I´m in Spain so all of the street signs and instructions will finally be Spanish right? What´s this about Catalan? Well fuck me then.
6) And if you think Catalan and Spanish would be almost the same, you have no idea. For instance in Spanish, the word for the number four is ¨quatro¨, where as in Catalan, it´s ¨oingo-boingo¨.
7) But seriously, you don´t know what a relief it is to say, ¨¿Que derecion es el Metro?¨and not get looked at like an asshole. You wouldn´t be suprised how few times that worked in Paris.
8 ) Every other window has a giant petrified pig´s leg in it. Appetizing.
9) It´s about time. How long does a brother go to be in Europe before he sees some topless sunbathers? Barcelona delivers.
10) If they have pictures of the food on the menu, you´re not going to have a good meal. You think I would know this is an international rule, but you´re forgetting I´m a moron.
11) I know I´m probably the millionth guy to say this, but Gaudi is right. Yech.
12) These people look suspiciously like Puerto Ricans and Cubans. Something is going on here.
13) Black people speaking Spanish. I´m on board; sign me up.
14) 1.10 Euro for a Coca-Cola light. Ahh, refresco! Welcome back to civilization.
A few blowjob jokes:
You ever blow a guy because it’s raining and then halfway through, it stops raining and it’s like, “Uh, it’s not raining anymore. I don’t have to do this.”?
You ever blow a guy just to show a guy? Just to get to know a guy?
You ever blow a guy for being a real smart aleck?
You ever order a salad, but instead the waiter makes you blow a guy?
You ever been getting a blowjob, but you realize you’d rather be blowing a guy?
You ever blow a guy who’s wearing his baseball hat crooked? You’re the last person on earth wearing your hat like that. Congratulations: you win. Now straighten that thing out or no more blowjobs.
You ever been waiting in line to blow a guy, and even though your don’t want to, you still get that excited feeling for being next in line?
You ever watch two guys blowing each other and never felt more alone in the world?
You ever been blowing a guy, but then it turned out to be a different guy? Pretty sneaky!
You ever blow a guy up, just to see him come toppling down?
You ever blow a guy once when it counted so you wouldn’t have to di it twice when it didn’t?
You ever blow a guy with the best of intentions, only to see the worst of results?
You ever blow a guy just for showing up?
Can anyone think of others like that? I really like these.
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