Funny Things About Paris

Posted by JMD - 07/15/08 at 05:07:18 am

Man thank god I´m in Barcelona, where the beer is cheep and I can actually ask where the the Metro station is and not get looked at like an asshole. I´ve actually got unlimited internet access at this hostel, but I´ve got a group of rabid looking Australian girls behind me waiting for me to get off, so like Jesse Thorn always instructs: I´ll keep it pithy. Tires to the road.

Funny Things About Paris:

1) There are benches permanently welded in the slouching position. I´m a slouching son of a bitch. A plus.

2) If you thought high British people were adorable, wait until you get a load of these drunk French people.

3) Couples in dark corners making out all over the city, like erotic zombies.

4) When you order Chinese food in Paris, and I did this just because I knew something wonderful would happen, you pick out your food choices from under the glass display, and they put it on a plate, microwave it, and then bring it to you. This is really something they get away with.

5) I can´t believe I didn´t get laid in Paris. What´s going on here?

6) Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triumph, the Louvre, Notre Dame. All totally worth it. Paris is all about going in with high expectations and then having your expectations totally fulfilled and superceded. Unless you expect to get laid.

7) Yes, yes. Many a coal plant. I knew you´d see it my way.

8 ) Chocolate chips in pistachio ice cream? I´ll buy that.

9) My first waiter at a French restaurant was a snooty middle aged French guy who was super rude and slammed down my plates. God I was so happy to live that stereotype. No beret?

10) With bread before a meal, they give you mustard instead of butter, but on a jambon und fromage sandwich they have butter instead of mustard. Sartre died contemplating the absurdity.

11) You know you´re in a civilized country (I´m looking at you here Germany) when you have to pay to get on the subway. As a bonus, your subway card allows you to rent bikes all over the city. Not bad.

12) Picasso made a bronze statue of a cat taking a shit. These are the revelations with which traveling provides you.

13) I walked down the street and saw something that made my jaw drop. An old man in front of a falafel stand with a yarmulke on begging for money. Who in their right mind is going to give a jew free money? And as a rule, a jew don´t beg. You should be ashamed of yourself France.

14) Six tries? If you can´t parallel park a Smart Car then just cut your dick off buddy.

15) The police all wear baseball hats that say police on them.

16) 4.75 Euro for a Coca-Cola light in a cafe in Paris. If you have to ask how much for a diet coke in the city of lights, you can´t afford it.

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