| the blog of human failure
Man thank god I´m in Barcelona, where the beer is cheep and I can actually ask where the the Metro station is and not get looked at like an asshole. I´ve actually got unlimited internet access at this hostel, but I´ve got a group of rabid looking Australian girls behind me waiting for me to get off, so like Jesse Thorn always instructs: I´ll keep it pithy. Tires to the road.
Funny Things About Paris:
1) There are benches permanently welded in the slouching position. I´m a slouching son of a bitch. A plus.
2) If you thought high British people were adorable, wait until you get a load of these drunk French people.
3) Couples in dark corners making out all over the city, like erotic zombies.
4) When you order Chinese food in Paris, and I did this just because I knew something wonderful would happen, you pick out your food choices from under the glass display, and they put it on a plate, microwave it, and then bring it to you. This is really something they get away with.
5) I can´t believe I didn´t get laid in Paris. What´s going on here?
6) Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triumph, the Louvre, Notre Dame. All totally worth it. Paris is all about going in with high expectations and then having your expectations totally fulfilled and superceded. Unless you expect to get laid.
7) Yes, yes. Many a coal plant. I knew you´d see it my way.
8 ) Chocolate chips in pistachio ice cream? I´ll buy that.
9) My first waiter at a French restaurant was a snooty middle aged French guy who was super rude and slammed down my plates. God I was so happy to live that stereotype. No beret?
10) With bread before a meal, they give you mustard instead of butter, but on a jambon und fromage sandwich they have butter instead of mustard. Sartre died contemplating the absurdity.
11) You know you´re in a civilized country (I´m looking at you here Germany) when you have to pay to get on the subway. As a bonus, your subway card allows you to rent bikes all over the city. Not bad.
12) Picasso made a bronze statue of a cat taking a shit. These are the revelations with which traveling provides you.
13) I walked down the street and saw something that made my jaw drop. An old man in front of a falafel stand with a yarmulke on begging for money. Who in their right mind is going to give a jew free money? And as a rule, a jew don´t beg. You should be ashamed of yourself France.
14) Six tries? If you can´t parallel park a Smart Car then just cut your dick off buddy.
15) The police all wear baseball hats that say police on them.
16) 4.75 Euro for a Coca-Cola light in a cafe in Paris. If you have to ask how much for a diet coke in the city of lights, you can´t afford it.
Alright I got 13 minutes and a crap metal keyboard. Bon jour from Paris. Let’s do this.
Funny Things About Munich:
1) There’s something gloomy about this suburb Dachau but I just can’t put my finger on it. Zing-zow.
2) I was sitting at a beer garden and this middle aged German lady tried to share her salad with me. Now that’s hospitaliano!
3) I was riding on the subway and I noticed something. I don’t mean a lot of people have blue eyes. Everyone has blue eyes.
4) Wow, these Munich girls are nothing special. What was Hitler talking about?
5) If you don’t speak German, you can’t sneak into a cocktail party at the BMW Museum, even if you take out your headphones and tuck in your shirt. I can’t stress this point enough.
6) When a Japanese guy and an American guy get drunk together in Germany, no one’s going to understand what anyone is saying very quickly. Thank god his dictionary has both sixty-nine and The Holmstead Act in it. We’ll never reach their level of technological innovation until our dictionaries are equally sophisticated. As an aside, see how many sentances you can make using both sixty-nine and The Holmstead Act. You’ll come up with some pretty startling combinations.
7) There would be no English/German communication without the thumbs up.
8 ) The most effective language for a homeless person to yell at you at is German. Unless he wants money.
9) These people are missing the Deutchmark. I can sense it.
10) A basket of free soft pretzels with your beer.
11) Ha, solar panels. There’s no electricity up there my friends. Strike two.
12) There’s only so many times I can say no to shnitzel. I’m only a man.
13) Alright, 2.75 Euro for a Coca-Cola light? I’m getting the fuck out of here.
Hello from Munich. 15 minutes left on this internet session. Let’s do this thang.
Funny Things About Berlin:
1) The subway is on the honor system, and by that I mean free.
2) These German women are much better looking. You have to see for yourself to know what that Hitler was talking about.
3) OK, it’s called currywurst. You take brats and then chop them into chunks and then cover them with curry powder. You put some French fries next to them and cover the whole thing in a ketchup that tastes like a combination of ketchup and barbeque sauce. Am I getting through to you people?
4) I’m going to assume that the white guys with shaved heads and tatoos on their faces are neo-nazis. Please put up some swastikas guys. Everything in a red bottle isn’t a coke.
5) Checkpoint Charley is a couple of sandbags and a toll booth. Take it from me folks.
6) When they pour you a beer in Berlin, and I’m talking about a Köstritzer here, that thing has a head that looks like whipped cream or latte foam. A thick white cotton balls fluffy clouds head.
7) Eek. Those guys are checking subway tickets. I cunnningly avoid them by getting off at the next stop before they corner me. I was so sure that everyone was secretly freeloading like me but everyone else actually had a ticket. Color me suprised. At least they didn’t chase me. So long suckers. I’m a regular Steve McQueen.
8 ) In the land of Berlin, vodka is spelled wadka. I’d walk into a bar and say, “We wawa wadka! Wa wa wa wa…” and keep going like that until someone punched me in the face.
9) Hey Berlin. Can we all agree that Stalin was right about not covering every square inch of your beautiful city in graffiti? What’s left to prove?
10) Ha, windmills. There’s no electricity up there my friends. Please try again.
11) A glass bottle of Coca-Cola light for 1.10 Euro? Ich bin Berliner!
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