| the blog of human failure
It’s really only in my happiest moments that I consider committing suicide. Do I hope to go out gloriously and on top? Is it my fear that the rest of life will be a beige disappointment? I think I probably just get overwhelmed with the excitement of success and confuse self destruction with some kind of fireworks display of the soul. Also, of course, I would enjoy the petty little irony of, “Oh, he’s always killing himself when he’s happiest. What an unimpeachable enigma that Jason is. Let me be the last to have sex with him warm…blah, blah…”.
The conflict between almost every religion and suicide is confusing to the point of being suspicious in my view. What almost certainly happened is that a religion was set up, pick your favorite, exchanging good deeds for everlasting happiness at some point after death. A lot of people probably got their good-to-bad-deed batting average comfortably over .500 and then killed themselves immediately – wisely inferring that they had short circuited the god machine and gamed their way into heaven. Add that to the otherwise nice seeming people who were just sad and decided to kill themselves and religion had a mighty big problem on its hands. Suicide was declared against the rules. I hope the people who had the foresight to harikari before the law was on the books got grandfathered into heaven. It’s like date raping in the ‘70s. I mean she agreed to go out with you right? What did she expect? You had to be a sucker not to do it. No reason the crafty should be penalized retroactively. Otherwise we stifle innovation.
But does anybody know? Is there a religion where you still get into heaven, or whatever the positive equivalent is, even after committing suicide? I can image it not even being dependant on good deeds. Once you can do 100 pushups, and they’re not messing around – they’re talking about perfect form here, you are technically allowed to kill yourself and still go to heaven. Pushups aside, there must be a religion where you’re allowed to kill yourself. And if you’re allowed to kill yourself, well that’s almost tacit encouragement to surely kill yourself. What the hell are you waiting around for? Don’t you have faith in BimBop the Sky Spider? The best part about this religion is that they must be taking converts. They’re going through fresh bodies like a bowl of Cheese Nips. I wouldn’t be surprised if there used to be such a religion and then another religion killed them off, figuring that everyone would convert and then kill themselves – again back-dooring their way into heaven. I hope there’s still one still around, just in case I start getting religious in middle age. It would give me a special pleasure to sit in the cheaters section of heaven, laughing with my comrades at all the suckers.
As a final thought, wouldn’t it be funny if the point of life was to kill yourself? You die old of natural causes, get to heaven, and god is like, “Uh, sorry stupid, no dice dancing at this party. How obviously painful was I supposed to make it? Better luck next time coward.” I take much more comfort from that scenario.
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