| the blog of human failure
Henry was happy to set Mitch up with a job at his PR firm. He had risen to the ranks of vice-president and was for the first time in his life able to buy himself and his dog separate toothbrushes. Mitch started off at the job very strong, reeling in a few big clients, and spent less and less time crying at his desk each day. Things took a slow nose dive as a malaise settled over Mitch. He turned up for work later each successive day. He stopped making showering a routine habit. He was frequently caught borrowing Scolnick’s dog’s toothbrush. Then came a week when McCulloch simply didn’t show up for work at all. Scolnick didn’t know what to do. On one hand he didn’t want to have to fire his friend. On the other hand he couldn’t have an employee he hired not showing up for work for an entire week. His employees would think he was a pushover and he had already spent so much money on extra wide, stabilizing footwear. On the other hand he couldn’t be personally responsible for every decision the company makes. Echh, it’s got three hands, thought Scolnick. Keep it away from the children! He obviously had to calm down. He didn’t even have any children and if he did, they would certainly have the appropriate protective netting. What he needed was a plan. Before he could even begin thinking Mitch burst into his office.
“I can’t do this anymore,” said Mitch bursting into tears. “I can’t hack it in the real world any longer. I’m moving back to the island.”
“Listen, I’m sorry if I was so hard on you but I’ll buy you your own tooth brush for god’s sake,” said Scolnick. “It’s just gross.”
“It’s not about the toothbrush. It’s not about my job or my wife. Life just isn’t the same since I’ve gotten back from that island. I left something of myself there and there’s only one way I’m going to get it back,” said McCulloch leaning on the chair next to the desk.
“Because I can’t pay you for that week you missed,” said Scolnick. “And I’m certainly not moving back to that island, Mitch. I’ve got a wife now and fancy shoes. I mean, look at me. I haven’t seen a jelly bean in three months!”
“I don’t want you to come with me,” said McCulloch, putting his hand on Scolnick’s shoulder. “You’re my best friend Henry, and you were always there for me. I want you to know that if I could pick any book, CD, and person to bring with me on a deserted island I would bring Absolute Power by David Baldacci, I Don’t Want What I Haven’t Got by Sinead O’Connor, and you my friend.”
The two men embraced and Mitch McCulloch raced out the door towards his destiny. That’s the craziest son of a bitch I ever met, thought Scolnick smiling, standing by himself.
As good as things were with Scolnick, however, life was not going nearly as well for Mitch. In the time he was gone, his wife Mary, assuming he was dead, had met another man.
“He’s a Christian Scientist and very sweet,” Mary said to him without a hint of shame.
“A Christian Scientist?” said Mitch. “Like Pascal?”
“Um, I don’t think so, but he’s very good to me and we’re very deeply in love.”
“But what about our marriage? What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Listen, Mitch I really don’t want to argue about this anymore. You’re giving me a headache and you know I’m not allowed to take aspirin.”
Dejected, McCulloch tried to go through his routine at work but kept falling off his schedule, distracted by his loss. He just couldn’t believe that his wife had left him.
“Maybe if it was one of those Nobel-Prize-winning Jew scientists I could live with myself,” he would mumble to himself at his desk, “but a Christian Scientist? What kind of world are we living in?”
Things went from bad to worse when he was called into the company president’s office. Apparently he hadn’t sold an insurance plan since he’d been back from the island and his fellow associates in the office were complaining about his constant mumbling.
“We’re going to have to let you go, Tom,” the president said.
“My name is Mitch, sir,” said Mitch, trying to hold back his tears.
“That attitude of yours is more than half your problem, son,” said the president slamming his feet up on his desk. “Doreen will validate you on the way out.”
“I don’t drive to work sir, and your secretary’s name is Hank,” Mitch sputtered.
“Say goodbye to that reference, Tom,” the president said, frowning.
Without a wife and without a job, McCulloch didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know how he was going to pay his rent or how he was even going to survive. There were friends that he could ask for help but without his job they would all pity him and he would rather kill himself then have to rely on their self-righteous charity. There was only one person in the world he could possibly call. He picked up his cell phone.
“Honestly, Mary, a Christian Scientist. I don’t even think those people wear shoes. Why don’t you just marry a friggin’ Mormon or gopher and get it over with?”
“Please stop calling here Mitch,” said Mary and then she hung up the phone.
“Alright- I’ll call that goof Scolnick,” said McCulloch to the dial tone.
As luck would have it the two men were rescued the next day by a sightseeing tour helicopter that saw the smoke coming from the island. They were brought to a hospital in San Francisco to be treated for exposure and minor injuries but were released a few days later. Scolnick said good bye to his friend, making sure to get his information so that they could forever stay in touch.
“Anytime you need anything, Henry, don’t be afraid to call,” said Mitch during their last moments in the infirmary together. Scolnick was shocked to see as he walked out of the hospital that the parking lot was full of news reporters and they were all waiting for him.
“How did you survive?” barked one reporter.
“Were you able to resist the deliciously sinful temptation of homosexuality?” barked another reporter.
“How many jelly beans are in this jar?” barked another reporter, holding aloft a jar of jelly beans.
“Arf, arf, arf?” barked a seal.
Scolnick couldn’t believe it. He was surrounded by media attention for weeks after the event. Meaning had finally been attributed to his life and he was riding on a wave of pure pleasure. In the supermarket he ran into a woman holding a tuna steak who recognized him from TV.
“My name is Susan,” she said to him. “Aren’t you that guy from the plane crash who was stuck on the island?”
“That’s me,” he said completely incredulous.
“Why don’t you come home with me? I’m going to make you a very happy man for the rest of your life.” Scolnick was elated. He dropped his Lean Cuisine in his cart and threw his arms around the woman.
“You smell like you know what you’re talking about,” he said rubbing his nose up against her ear.
“Oh sorry, I think that might be the tuna,” she said. Susan grabbed his hand and they started moving towards the checkout line.
And Scolnick’s luck did not stop there. A public relations firm in San Francisco approached him to do a series of commercials for a diet program. The only problem was they didn’t have a product for him to promote. Henry suggested an island aerobic workout where willing customers were dropped on a deserted island to fend for themselves for a month.
“It’s like Survivor but without all the other assholes!,” he exclaimed.
Not only were they interested in having him promote the idea, they were so impressed with his vision that they decided to give him a position in the company. A new job and a new woman. I’ve got to go find some faces into which this will be thrown, thought Scolnick, proud that he had learned to stop ending his thoughts in prepositions.
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